A History of Educational Bullshit, by AnonymousCoward
Employers and general public: OMG the kids are coming out of school completely stupid and not ready for life in the real world!
Politicians: We can fix this. Implementing Iowa Test of Basic Skills!
School districts: Okay fine, we'll disrupt everything for a week so kids can fill in ovals on a ScanTron sheet.
::results come back
Public: OMG our children are dumb, let us mandate benchmarks and goals and programs.
Politicians: Yes, and we're going to put more control at the state level and mandate that what little science we teach is presented alongside
Biblical teachings Creationism Intelligent Design because evolution is just a theory, not that we understand what the hell a theory is or how the scientific method works because that wasn't taught to us while we were in school...
::more tests, more results
Public: This isn't working, more accountability on teachers and schools!
Teachers: FFS people.
Schools: Teachers, if your students don't score above X, it's your ass.
Voters: Schools, if you suck, you're not getting any of my tax money.
:: some teachers, fearing for their jobs, "help" students on their tests
:: results come back, some look suspicious, investigations start, find cheating
Public: OMG look at this crap! And the students are still failing!
Old People: Fuck this, I walked uphill both ways in the snow in July to school and these schools don't deserve my tax dollars!
Employers: Hah, we got NAFTA and all sorts of other crap now, let us move our manufacturing base elsewhere. Sorry, parents who are out of a job.
:: Tax base for schools declines
:: Parents have less time and money for kids
Politicians: Watch as we fix this! IMPLEMENT PROFICIENCY TESTING! Also we want your scores to go up x% per year FOREVER! Oh and MANDATORY CONTINUING EDUCATION FOR TEACHERS
Teachers and schools: OH FFS YOU DUMBFUCKS!
Teachers: We need more pay to pay for our educations!
:: proficiency testing occurs
:: proficiency testing ignores science (the original 4 areas were reading, writing, mathematics, and citizenship, and science was added later)
Parents: WTF my kid failed, s/he is all humiliated after being held back! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
Politicians: Never fear! We shall implement more laws and regulations! Next up: If the kids don't pass they don't graduate!
Other politicians and parents of MR/DD kids: Oh yeah! You can't put the "special ed" kids in a separate school now, that's segregation, you have to "mainstream" them in with the general population.
Teachers and schools: OH FFS NOT THIS SHIT.
Teachers: More responsiblility = more pay.
Schools: uhhh, we'll put it to the voters.
Voters: okay, but this is the last round, if you don't get results, forget it.
Employers: BTW, parents, the CEO needs a yacht so we're downsizing you.
Parents: WTF NO.
:: Parents find second jobs and have less time to spend on kids and instead plunk them in front of TV
:: more testing
:: more cheating
:: results come back
Public: OMG look at all these kids failing. Clearly we are leaving children behind!
Parents: OMG my kid can't fail! DON'T LEAVE MY CHILD BEHIND!
Federal Politicians: NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND!
State Politicians: OH FFS NOT YOU FEDS, GTFO OUR BUSINESS!
Employers: Hey parents, um, we need you to work harder since we cut our workforce in order to buy the CEO a second yacht.
Parents: OH FFS.
:: Parents have no time to drag their kids to the library, help them with homework, etc.
:: states start moving the goalposts so they look better
:: locals start moving goalposts
:: teachers and schools start teaching to the test
:: another round of testing
Public: You still haven't improved!
Employers: Hey! We can't find anyone for these jobs! Everyone needs a college degree and we can't find people! Let us import people on H1B visas! Oh BTW we are sending more work overseas and hiding our profits overseas, cause we hate taxes that pay for schools.
Parents: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PRECIOUS SNOWFLAKE FAILED? S/HE HAS ADD/ADHD/ASPERGERS, I DEMAND SPECIAL TREATMENT AND THAT THE TESTS DON'T COUNT AND TAHT S/HE GET AN AUTOMATIC A OR S/HE WON'T GET INTO COLLEGE WHICH WILL MAGICALLY GUARANTEE A JOB!
Employers: (silently to themselves) Heh, we wouldn't hire them anyway, we can get foreigners to slave away for less than Americans through the H1B program. Right, politicians? (:: hand "donations" to politicians)
Politicians: (wink at employers)
Teachers and schools: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH!
:: another round of testing and results not living up to expectations
:: more cheating in order to avoid looking bad
:: now kids graduate knowing nothing except how to take multiple-choice tests and expecting everything handed to them
Parents: I BLAME THE TEACHERS AND SCHOOLS!
Voters: I BLAME THE TEACHERS AND SCHOOLS!
Employers: These kids are useless. BTW sorry parents but you'll have to work twice as hard for the same amount of money, the CEO needs a third yacht and the shareholders aren't getting a big enough dividend. Oh and sorry about your pink slip, there's a recession on or some shit like that.
Politicians: More reform! Let's go to vouchers and whatnot so the parents can send their kids to private schools and whatnot! VOTE FOR ME I WILL MAGICALLY FIX EVERYTHING!
Churches: YAY MONEY TO BRAINWASH KIDS WITHOUT OVERSIGHT!
Businesses: YAY FREE MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT WITHOUT OVERSIGHT!
Parents: (now driving their snowflakes to a different school) IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!
Teabaggers and other people without kids: TAXED ENOUGH ALREADY! AIN'T GOT THE MONEY FOR SCHOOLS! NO LEVIES FOR YOU!
Religious "Right": It's all the fault of this evil commie socialist "science" being taught!
Rich people: Don't tax us! It's YOUR schools that suck, we send our kids Muffy and Thaddeus to the best of private schools.
Paris Hilton (hiccuping) HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!
Schools: Well then we'll have to cut athletics!
Parents and sports fans: OMG YOU CAN'T CUT ATHLETICS!
Colleges: (counting money from boosters and merchandise and TV deals) OMG YOU CAN'T CUT ATHLETICS!
Penn State, OSU, Michigan, Miami, USC, etc. higher-ups to athletic departments, quietly: Do whatever it takes to get the best athletes into our programs, especially football and basketball, so we can make more money!
"Student" athletes: Livin' the good life, yeah! Oh BTW leaving b4 I graduate for the pros! Fuck my free education in physical education or what the fuck ever I was supposed to be studying.
Entertainment business: YEAH, DON'T CUT ATHLETICS! BTW if you want to watch your favorite team, it's now going to cost you EXTRA for their network!
Parents: FFS ::cough up money for both athletics and to watch sports on TV
Right-wing talk show hosts, Republicans and Teabaggers: OMG IT'S ALL THE UNIONS FAULT, STUPID TEACHER UNIONS TAKING OUR MONIES FOR THE OVERPAID TEACHERS WHO HAVE THREE MONTHS OFF A YEAR!
Businesses/employers: Yes, yes it is (::hand money over to Republicans)
Teachers: (cry silently in a corner over how fucking stupid everything is)
Parents: Hey, I can't afford to send my kid to community college even!
HS Grads: WTF we can't afford college!
Businesses (specifically financial sector): Here, have a loan*! Have a credit card* to buy your books and laptops and beer on! (*exorbitant terms and conditions may apply)
Colleges: Hey, tuition increase because state and federal funding cuts.
Republicans: Hey voters, you did want spending cuts and accountability!
College students: WHY ARE THERE NO JOBS FOR US?
Employers: Uhhh, because recession and because you're not educated for what we really need. See, we can prove it because we have to hire these foreigners on H1B visas since we can't find enough Americans. Also you are lazy and stupid.
Voters: WTF why does everything suck? WE BLAME THE PARENTS!
Parents: WTF it's not us, it's the schools!
Schools: It's not us, it's the lack of funding and the teachers!
Teachers: WTF we bust our asses and you expect us to do more, teach more students, with fewer resources and less pay? Why did I take this job again?
Republicans and Teabaggers: Yeah, STFU, we're TAXED ENOUGH ALREADY you UNION SCUM!
Employers: Yeah, STFU, your teaching degree is worthless to us and nobody's going to hire you, enjoy working at Walmart.
Parents: (now busting asses and more in debt than ever): IT'S NOT US, FIX IT, SOMEONE!
Kids: ya know, mom and dad are busting their asses and are still broke, there are no jobs for me regardless if I graduate college let alone high school, why the fuck should we care about school? It's not like we actually learn anything, what with the bullying, the burnt-out teachers not giving a fuck and only teaching us how to take multiple-choice tests, all the other distractions and bullshit. It's not interesting except for when Billy the SPED kid loses his shit and throws trays across the cafeteria.
:: most kids grow up to be dumbassed parents or voters and repeat the cycle over and over again.