TOLEDO, OH - Releasing the latest in a series of new initiatives, Mayor D Michael Collins proposed emergency legislation to city council to outlaw downtown workers bringing in their lunches from home - also known as “brown bagging.” Mayor Collins said in regards to the legislation, “It’s really unfair and undermines competitiveness. I mean, there are businesses downtown selling prepared food. An individual packing a lunch for themselves can do it at a much lower price point. Well, as my ancestor George Pullman may have said; Nope to that.”
Mayor D Michael Pullman Collins was joined by several business owners and developers who have “Seriously, like totally invested b-billions into Toledo. Well, it’s in Canada, you’ve never been there, but it’s real. I even have a ballpark in Canada that I’ve been to third base on. Really.” One had this to say, “I mean, who knows in this post-9/11 world what someone is putting into a brown paper bag. Personally, I would feel beholden as a citizen to call the police and have all packed lunches destroyed by the bomb squad. Terrorism. Freedom. Eagles.”
Mayor D Michael Pullman Jesse James Collins went on, “Exactly! The classic image of a hard working laborer or businessman kissing his children farewell and walking out the door with a Thermos and lunch along with his briefcase is a relic of the twentieth century. Well we live in the future, ladies and gentleman. The. Future. Which is why I feel this is a key central cornerstone to my “Healthy Things for Other People to Do” platform that I will be adding to daily over the next few years.”
“Terrorism.” A developer added.
Businessman David Ball went on, “People not buying from me quite literally takes my hard-earned money out of my pocket and keeps it in theirs. My money, that someone doesn’t give to me. That’s unfair. Basic economics one-oh-one. Which is why when I wrote this...” The members of the meeting quickly conferred in hushed whispers. “I’m sorry, which is why when the mayor’s office wrote this with no undue influence from heavily moneyed people in the community - please make sure to write that part down - they looked to Mayor Collins’ ancestor, William Wallace. I mean, it’s all well and good for my business to get dinged by the health department and made fun of on local TV - you poor sods will keep coming in - but the punishment for a brown bagger is to be drawn and quartered. I think that’s totally reasonable.”
One participant interjected, “And make sure the bomb squad blows up the bag.”
“Oh, yeah, that too.”
Mayor D Michael Pullman Jesse James William Wallace Collins went on to say, “Obviously, the front burner issue here is to reduce competitiveness. I mean, if people aren’t buying things, how will anybody have a job? When my ancestor, Henry Ford, invented the assembly line he didn’t just. Actually, I forget where I was going with that point exactly. Anyway, This will go into effect immediately as soon as we figure out what drawn and quartered entails exactly.”
One developer added while petting an eagle, “Go into effect immediately, while also being a working document that we welcome public comment on.”
“Oh yes. A working document, I am just trying to shake things up here. I mean, the reasonable compromise is to do things my way while things get hashed out in committee.” Mayor *** responded.
“I mean, we can either handle it here as a city, together, right now and compromise together by doing what I want." The eagle stretched majestically. "Or we could leave it up to the Department of Homeland Security. I mean, who knows what they would do?”
Mayor *** then brought the meeting to a close.
*** editors note: for a comprehensive list (as of 7/2/14) of people, historical icons, landmarks, fictional characters, etc. that the mayor claims to be descended from, please see his Wikipedia entry at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Michael_Pullman_Jesse_James_William_Wallace_Ford_Gaius_Julius_Caesar_General_Maximus_Decimus_Meridius_La_Tour_Eiffel_Chaka_Khan_Shaka_Zulu_that_one_guy_from_Australia_you_know_who_Im_talking_about_Fine_Single_Barrel_Kentucky_Bourbon_Whisky_Papa_Smurf_Ghandi_Shakespeare_banana_the_gray_nutrient_broth_that_sustains_Mitt_Romney_Elvis_Presley_Hound_dogs_The_Original_Broadway_Cast_of_My_Fair_Lady_I_mean_my_parents_obviously_Cobra_Commander_Collins
Blade Staff contributed to this report