Toledo Talk

Administration Moves To Ban Packed Lunches

TOLEDO, OH - Releasing the latest in a series of new initiatives, Mayor D Michael Collins proposed emergency legislation to city council to outlaw downtown workers bringing in their lunches from home - also known as “brown bagging.” Mayor Collins said in regards to the legislation, “It’s really unfair and undermines competitiveness. I mean, there are businesses downtown selling prepared food. An individual packing a lunch for themselves can do it at a much lower price point. Well, as my ancestor George Pullman may have said; Nope to that.”

Mayor D Michael Pullman Collins was joined by several business owners and developers who have “Seriously, like totally invested b-billions into Toledo. Well, it’s in Canada, you’ve never been there, but it’s real. I even have a ballpark in Canada that I’ve been to third base on. Really.” One had this to say, “I mean, who knows in this post-9/11 world what someone is putting into a brown paper bag. Personally, I would feel beholden as a citizen to call the police and have all packed lunches destroyed by the bomb squad. Terrorism. Freedom. Eagles.”

Mayor D Michael Pullman Jesse James Collins went on, “Exactly! The classic image of a hard working laborer or businessman kissing his children farewell and walking out the door with a Thermos and lunch along with his briefcase is a relic of the twentieth century. Well we live in the future, ladies and gentleman. The. Future. Which is why I feel this is a key central cornerstone to my “Healthy Things for Other People to Do” platform that I will be adding to daily over the next few years.”

“Terrorism.” A developer added.

Businessman David Ball went on, “People not buying from me quite literally takes my hard-earned money out of my pocket and keeps it in theirs. My money, that someone doesn’t give to me. That’s unfair. Basic economics one-oh-one. Which is why when I wrote this...” The members of the meeting quickly conferred in hushed whispers. “I’m sorry, which is why when the mayor’s office wrote this with no undue influence from heavily moneyed people in the community - please make sure to write that part down - they looked to Mayor Collins’ ancestor, William Wallace. I mean, it’s all well and good for my business to get dinged by the health department and made fun of on local TV - you poor sods will keep coming in - but the punishment for a brown bagger is to be drawn and quartered. I think that’s totally reasonable.”

One participant interjected, “And make sure the bomb squad blows up the bag.”

“Oh, yeah, that too.”

Mayor D Michael Pullman Jesse James William Wallace Collins went on to say, “Obviously, the front burner issue here is to reduce competitiveness. I mean, if people aren’t buying things, how will anybody have a job? When my ancestor, Henry Ford, invented the assembly line he didn’t just. Actually, I forget where I was going with that point exactly. Anyway, This will go into effect immediately as soon as we figure out what drawn and quartered entails exactly.”

One developer added while petting an eagle, “Go into effect immediately, while also being a working document that we welcome public comment on.”

“Oh yes. A working document, I am just trying to shake things up here. I mean, the reasonable compromise is to do things my way while things get hashed out in committee.” Mayor *** responded.

“I mean, we can either handle it here as a city, together, right now and compromise together by doing what I want." The eagle stretched majestically. "Or we could leave it up to the Department of Homeland Security. I mean, who knows what they would do?”

Mayor *** then brought the meeting to a close.

*** editors note: for a comprehensive list (as of 7/2/14) of people, historical icons, landmarks, fictional characters, etc. that the mayor claims to be descended from, please see his Wikipedia entry at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Michael_Pullman_Jesse_James_William_Wallace_Ford_Gaius_Julius_Caesar_General_Maximus_Decimus_Meridius_La_Tour_Eiffel_Chaka_Khan_Shaka_Zulu_that_one_guy_from_Australia_you_know_who_Im_talking_about_Fine_Single_Barrel_Kentucky_Bourbon_Whisky_Papa_Smurf_Ghandi_Shakespeare_banana_the_gray_nutrient_broth_that_sustains_Mitt_Romney_Elvis_Presley_Hound_dogs_The_Original_Broadway_Cast_of_My_Fair_Lady_I_mean_my_parents_obviously_Cobra_Commander_Collins

Blade Staff contributed to this report

created by SMP1956 on Jul 02, 2014 at 12:25:01 pm
updated by SMP1956 on Jul 02, 2014 at 12:40:59 pm
    Comments: 9

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Comments ... #

When will these idiots in City Hall get a clue.....

There should at least be an amnesty period. A 2-3 month period where downtown workers can voluntarily turn in there packed lunches without the fear of being punished. The lunches can then be "processed" into a slurry of blended lunches and Maumee River water that can be used as a base for a delicious, limited time only, Irish Stew at the Blarney .

After the amnesty period I would suggest check points at all the borders of downtown to search people for contraband. Before the offender is drawn and quartered they should be forced to work off there debt to society recounting votes at the Lucas County BOE.

posted by glasscityguy on Jul 02, 2014 at 12:39:44 pm     #   2 people liked this

Funniest. Thread. Ever.

posted by justread on Jul 02, 2014 at 01:10:17 pm     #   4 people liked this

"The first draft sentenced violators to be chained together in the Board of Elections Mines, to labor the rest of their days breaking unrefined votes from the hard rock. Never to see the sun, or feel a cool breeze." Mayor *** responded, "But the International Red Cross stepped in and said working at the BOE is a violation of our most basic human rights. Thus, drawn and quartered it is."

posted by SMP1956 on Jul 02, 2014 at 01:32:46 pm     #   5 people liked this

This sounds like SubcommandanteBob. Or whatever it was. Is it?

posted by madjack on Jul 02, 2014 at 06:18:08 pm     #  

They missed a few key taglines:

"buying local, Southwyck, Marina District, Blight, UTMC (the former MUO), pit bulls"

posted by slowsol on Jul 03, 2014 at 08:06:29 am     #  

Add: Seneca County Courthouse.

:)

posted by 6th_Floor on Jul 03, 2014 at 09:38:11 am     #  

Too funny

posted by fred on Jul 03, 2014 at 09:44:01 am     #  

That's hilarious. Extra credit to the OP and extra laughs to readers if you take the time to read the full length title of the "wiki" page.

posted by OneMoreBourbon on Jul 03, 2014 at 12:05:31 pm     #  

"Hilarious!?" Mayor *** exclaimed, "This is why I don't trust Wikipangea. They don't update fast enough. Since this was published, I've found I'm the descendent of at least fourteen more famous people, places, and things. And at least two minerals."

posted by SMP1956 on Jul 03, 2014 at 02:05:36 pm     #